


The Passage of Emptiness

by TheCinematicRevealThatBatmanIsDead



Series: Will You Be Alright, Love? [4]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Bad ending that resolves nothing, Hope you enjoyed episodes 25 and 26, M/M, Mindfuck, No matter how hard I tried, Not A Fix-It, Post-Third Impact, Postmodernism, Trains, instrumentality, pink floyd - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-22 22:52:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6096553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCinematicRevealThatBatmanIsDead/pseuds/TheCinematicRevealThatBatmanIsDead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shinji gets to choose his Hell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

And once again, I’m sitting here, doing nothing, feeling nothing, being nothing. Supine, motionless, numb. Asuka has caught her breath, and is getting to her feet now.

“I don’t ever want to see you again.” Her voice is still raspy, but her words cut through me like a razor. Because I know she means it. I know she doesn’t need me anymore.

Pushing her hair over one shoulder, she strides past me, stops, spins on her heel and looks down at me one last time. I’m sitting with my knees up against my chest, no expression on my face. Asuka grits her teeth, preparing a string of curses in various languages, but it’s not worth it. Instead, she kicks the sand at her feet, sending a thick chunk of it towards me. It shatters like a snowball against the side of my head, and some goes in my eye. I don’t look at her. Seething, she spits on the ground next to me and mutters, “ _ Fotze _ ,” and storms off. The sound of her footsteps pounding against the sand eventually fades into the distance. I begin to wonder why I came back.

 

Maybe I’ll alway be like this. Hurting other people and not fully understanding why. That’s the impression I get, looking out over the sea of human souls. I wonder how long it would take for me to starve to death? If other people did come back, and the first thing they saw was my corpse, would they feel regret? Relief? 

I want to stay like this. I can’t hurt anyone if I’m alone. 

 

I wake up some time later. Nothing’s changed. I’m lying on my side, vaguely comfortable, and the sky’s a bit darker. Almost purple. I can see the stars, and I make a point not to be comforted by the fact that EVA-01 is up there.

_ Will you be alright, love? _

 

The moon is waning when I stand up. I don’t know what compels me to do it, but I know I have to start walking. Asuka’s footsteps go off to my right, as far as I can see. I turn left, and walk.

 

My legs have begun to hurt when I hear someone humming. It’s faint, and almost smothered by the crashing waves, but it’s there. In the distance, I see a human form. I begin to run. The sun is rising.

 

Kaworu Nagisa is leaning against a stone pillar, LCL up to his ankles, and his eyes closed in complete focus. In his hand, he clutches my SDAT player, and he’s wearing my earbuds. When I approach him, he opens his eyes and smiles in that warm, welcoming way he always did. I don’t say anything. My throat is as dry as the sand around us. 

“Have you heard this? It’s a whole story about a human who’s afraid of his AT field.” He unplugs the headphones and tosses the small tape deck to me. I pop it open to see what he’s talking about. The thin audio card emblazoned with “PINK FLOYD-THE WALL” shines in the sunlight. I close the cover and look back at him. “Just about sums it up, huh?” 

The smile hasn’t faded. 

 

“What am I supposed to do now?”

He shrugs, and I hate him for it. 

“What you Lilim have always done. Make your own-”

“Yeah, make my own choices. Find myself. I get it. I’ve looked, and y’know what I found,  _ Tabris _ ?” I say, spitting the name out with as much loathing as I can manage. The smile still doesn’t fade.

“Nothing you particularly liked, I take it.”

“I found a monster. That’s the Ikari lineage. Me, my father, my mother. We’re sociopathic, destructive, abusive, lying, manipulative  _ monsters _ .”

Nodding, he removed the earbuds and began wrapping them up. When he had formed a compact little coil, he handed them to me. 

Hands in his pockets, he looked up at the rising sun for a moment. It looked like an N2 mine had detonated out in space. It was glorious and awful. I’m sure he saw something different.

Kaworu turned to me, with his genuine smile and vivid eyes, and sighed.

“Come on, Shinji. We’ve got a train to catch.”

 

In the seat to my left is Misato. Kaworu, of course, is to my right. Asuka’s one car over, and next to her, with her hand on Asuka’s knee, is Rei. My mother and father are standing in the aisle, hand in hand. In the seat across from me is my own mutilated corpse, and out the window I can see Lilith, one eye ruptured from where EVA-01 escaped. 

I turn to Kaworu. “What the hell is this?”

His smile broadens. “Don’t tell me you don’t recognize this place.”

“I mean, why am I back here?”

“Don’t you want to run away?”

On cue, the door to the next car opens. There she is, standing in the doorway, wearing the same yellow sundress and the same piercing, accusatory glare. The train lurches forward, and the doors swing shut again.

Kaworu leans back and closes his eyes. “Why did you come back?”

 

Misato adjusts the rearview mirror so that our eyes meet. I peel my face away from the seatbelt and look at her reflection, unsure how to respond. “What do you mean?”

“What changed your mind? You could’ve gotten on that train, skipped town, and forgotten about NERV and EVA-01 completely. What stopped you?”

I run my tongue across my teeth. “I...feel like I have something here. Something I don’t want to leave behind.”

“And what’s that?”

“I…”

“Yeah?” she asks, like a teacher whose student is  _ seconds _ away from figuring out the problem themselves.

“I don’t know.” Disappointment flickers through her gaze for a fraction of a second. “But even just feeling like there’s something there...that’s a good enough reason not to throw it away, isn’t it?”

She smiles, and since I can only see her eyes, I know it’s genuine. 

 

Back on the train, I look at Kaworu and stand up. “You lied to me.” He opens his eyes. I shake my head in disbelief. “I’m still in there, aren’t I?” I yell, pointing out the window, at the Red Sea. In the other car, I can see Asuka and me dancing, gradually getting closer together. She has a look of utter horror on her face. I turn around. There’s a third car, its walls barren, its fluorescent lights coloring everything a pale bluish-white. I recognize the ceiling. I recognize the hospital bed sitting in the aisle. I look back at Kaworu. “Why are you showing me this?!” 

“You’re the one showing me, Shinji.”

I shake my head. “I came back because I thought it could be different.”

 

“Different how?” Rei asks.

“Like...going to a friend’s house. You don’t feel unwelcome, exactly, but everything’s different. The air even smells different. That’s what being in your entry plug was like. I felt like someone was hosting me. Tolerating my being there, I guess.”

“Like  _ you’ve  _ ever been invited to a friend’s house, Third.”

“You’re just pissy ‘cause you got a lower sync rate than me, Asuka.”

Who is that? 

Time stops abruptly, and the world flickers like an image from a video cassette. .

“That’s you.”

“Is it the real me?”

The tape rewinds, flying through sync tests and angels until it lands on an image of the inside of a train car.

Leilil picks up mid-sentence. “-you fear is the Shinji Ikari that exists in the minds of others.”

“That’s not what I mean,” I say.  

 

“You did a bad thing, Shinji. A monstrous thing. But that doesn’t make you a monster.”

I stand in the doorway and watch myself sob into my pillow. Asuka stands next to me, arms folded, and at the same time, she kneels next to the bed, watching me bawl my eyes out, trying in vain to stifle the tears.

“Did you make this?” Kaworu asks. I nod.

“It’s good,” my mother says. 

Asuka snaps. “No it’s not!”

She kicks the image I made, the Asuka Langley Soryu that exists in my mind, and it falls apart into clumps of sand. “It’s disgusting!”

 

I’m sitting on the edge of the sandbox, admiring how the stage lights illuminate the scene in front of me. Asuka stomps on my pyramid, burning with anger. The sand makes a soft breathing sound as it gives underneath her assault. When she’s finished, she turns to me, almost screaming.

_ “I am not your doll!” _

 

“What are you afraid of?”

“That I’m...bad”.

Kaworu stands up and grabs the same handle I’m holding. My heart beats in time with the rocking of the train.

“You’re afraid that without your hang-ups and neuroses, without all your trauma and loss, if your father had loved you and your mother hadn't died, you still would have ended up-”

_ Just a little flash. _

_ You’re a grown woman, you shouldn't act like that. _

_ Why don’t you just try being nice to me? _

_ Is this what happens when you start your period? _

_ I can't believe Misato does those things. _

_ If I have to pilot it, I will. _

_ What’s wrong with running away from reality if it sucks?! _

_ You’re the only one who can help me. _

_ I’m so fucked up. _

_ I killed people. Good people. _

“-exactly the same.”

_ A monster. _

 

They gave me every opportunity to change. Even in a perfect world, I’m manipulative and cowardly.

 

“I’m saying I love you.”

I have heard the sound of a grenade detonating. There’s a loud crack, followed by ringing, and if you’re lucky, your hearing will return in a few moments, sounds coming into focus and the rush of blood returning to your eardrums. The words Kaworu said were not especially different from a the sound of a grenade.

 

The train sped up. 

“Did you mean it?” 

“I did.”

“...why?”

Kaworu leaned in and kissed me with confidence and tenderness that, were either of us real, would have destroyed my AT field in an instant. 

“Because I love you.”

“T-then, can you help me?”

“Help you find your own answers? Your own identity?” He laughed. “What are you, stupid?”

 

So that’s it then? I’m screwed either way? I can wallow here in the dissociative nightmare that is Instrumentality, or I can go back and...do what? Claw for some semblance of meaning in the dessicated remains of civilization? Hurt more people? Hurt the same people again? What am I supposed to do? 

 

An Angel, a messenger of God, came to me and said I’m on my own. I suppose that means I’m really on my own.

 

“What will you do?” he asked.

 

_ Will you be alright, love? _

* * *

Lilith’s face seemed to cast its own light. It hurt to look at it for too long, so the children closed their eyes, and slept for a while.

How far the Third Child had come. How long he had journeyed only to end up exactly where he started.

How far the Second Child had come. How far down she had fallen, and how high she is going to climb.

 

The sound of the waves lapping gently at the shore was calming. The moonlight reflecting off of Lilith’s face reassured the Third Child. Everything was going to be okay. He stood up, shaking off the numbness in his legs, and began to walk. 

The sky above them was the most brilliant cobalt blue. Entire galaxies bled together in an infinite cosmic tapestry. Watching them. Spectating. The sea air smelled of salt and human blood. Though they were miles apart, and would never see one another alive again, something compelled them both to stop and glance at the horizon, the perfect crossroads between celestial blue and blood red. They didn’t think much about resting a few minutes and enjoying the beauty the destruction of humanity had created. 

They knew they had all the time in the world.

  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Years later, Asuka finds an inscription on the side of an apartment building, and an orange-red hand print. Even after all this time, a faint blood smell remains. 

The inscription reads:

"In Conclusion: God's in His Heaven. All's right with the world.

Moving on,

Shinji Ikari."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all.  
> Congratulations.


End file.
